Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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