I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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