he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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