Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
