u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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