but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
