i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
