Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
