Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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