census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
