Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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