I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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