An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
