i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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