u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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