I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
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