It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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