i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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