I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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