u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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