i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
