he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
