yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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