The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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