Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
