Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
