I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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