She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
