why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
