my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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