You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
