You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
