I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We are all done wearing pants today
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
