He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Randomize
