rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
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