Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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