She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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