I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
