After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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