recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
