just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
