I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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