I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
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One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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