You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
