I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
