So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
