and you said cock pushups were impossible
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
