No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
