You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
