why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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