When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
