At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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