I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
