Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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